I was looking at my old tumblr posts today and I realized in almost four years, my morals and beliefs and optimism have not changed as much as I thought. I can reblog things I’ve written about love, multiple posts from each year that I still feel so strongly about. I don’t really know if that’s a good thing because clearly in four years I have not come across what I’ve been looking for.
I read a post about labels and how I don’t believe in having to name the relationship because I feel that if you’re just so happy with someone there isn’t a need to label what’s going on. I can enjoy the time I spend with someone and put enough trust into them to one day just say yeah, this is working. The only problem is finding the guy. I don’t want a fairytale or someone to sweep me off my feet because everything I want, I get it myself. I want a partner, someone willing to explore with me and have adventures with, someone willing to take over the world with me and someone that I can shine with.. I want someone in control of their own life exactly the way i’m in control of mine. I want someone that I’m just so proud to be with, and they’re proud to be with me too. And I don’t want to have to guess how they feel, because that’s so stupid. I want a real, honest love, and if it’s not that then I’m fine with just me. I just don’t want to play the games or go through any of the other crap that comes with looking for that person.
I read another post that I wrote back in 2010 about my 5 year plan and it looks like I’m winning in that department. I’ll be graduating in December, by 24 I’ll hopefully be working in a hospital as an RN, likely to be looking for my own place. I’ve been working out a lot! But I’ve been drinking a lot too so I break even, no abs.
I read the letter to myself from last August and it looks like I know myself so well. So here’s to myself for next August:
By this time next year, you’ll be turning 24. You’ll be an RN, and it’ll be awesome and fucking frightening at the same time. You’ll be optimistic, and you’ll still be a hopeless romantic because if that didn’t go away in the last four years, it won’t be gone next year either. Hopefully you’ll learn ways to get out of your head. Right now you’re pmsing and you just finished watching Friends with Benefits and teared a little at how bad you want a “friendship” like that one. I hope by 24 you figured out how to sweep yourself off your own feet, and I hope you make yourself happy every day and that you’re not expecting for anyone to do that for you. You shot-gunned a beer yesterday. You’re birthday resolution is to not hold back on your own feelings. To not close off and to not be too proud to show people how emotional you could be, to not make it seem like everything is okay. It’s okay to let people in, and let people cater and help you. Take advantage of the hands given to you, because earlier this year you hit a breaking point trying to do everything on your own and most important, be honest with what you want and get it. Cherish your family, and your friends. But you’re in good shape, and you’re on the right road, you’re currently on point with your five year plan and when you read this, you’re gonna have to make another one. Always be thankful, always be humble.
As of right now, literally right now, I am in such a great mood. I’ll leave that at that.
It’s funny the way the world works. I think from junior high school to now my optimism had been on a downward slope and I haven’t had hope for humanity and things like that in such a long time. In the most recent months I like to think that I’ve had the worst impression of things that I’ve ever had. Pessimism became easier, keeping expectations low to not be disappointed was easier. And it’s not just me, it’s so many people around me as well. Like so much of NY breathes negativity and your heart becomes as hard as a rock.
Time and time again I catch myself and I realize, I really can’t let that happen to me. I hope on everything I grow in light, I hope my heart stays as soft as a pillow and is forever welcoming. And I hope the people around me lighten up as well.
People in our generation don’t care for consequences, relationships and shit like that. It’s all about the come up, how many you lay and how much money you have in your pocket. Fuck your savings, fuck revenue, fuck love, fuck morals.
Fuck our generation.
I’m not really sure why I feel so much angst towards this right now. I understand completely that everyone is out there grinding hard and I out of all people do appreciate hard work. Hard work is all I’ve ever known but there’s no heart. Or there’s little heart behind the motive. Even healthcare is business from a distance. Life became more numbers then memories and skill no longer follows experience.
I don’t know.
YO it’s January! Ridiculousssss I spent the first two weeks of January drinking a lottt.
I haven’t posted in forever. No crazy sap ass stories, no ridiculous girly ranting. 2013 ended with a bang and some vomit, lots of laughs and family. I still can’t believe it’s been a year… my blog post exactly a year ago on this tumblr was embarrassing, and miserable, but hilarious. We all get a little crazy sometimes. A year ago today, I was telling myself to have patience. I still tell myself the same thing, except with different means. By the end of 2014, I SHOULD be graduating from nursing school. I’ll be preparing myself for adulthood, and that shit is crazy. I only learned how to dance in 2013. I kind of feel like this year is a little stagnant, only because school is my priority, and right now all I can really do is pass. Read like hell, remember everything, yadda yadda be a good student. I’m not really a good student. I drink when I can, I try to keep as relaxed as possible, I chill too often and I work a little too much. Honestly, I think that’s why I’m doing well. Balance is everything. School is all I talk about, but it’s because I’m really proud of how far I’ve come. I went from not knowing at all what I wanted to do, to realizing every amazing quality of a career that I can have for the rest of my life. And i’m not really worried at all. I like being 22 and having that shit together. I like knowing at least one thing that will be there at the end of this road, because I’m going to pass, and I’m going to be awesome.
Anyways, so 2014… goals? 1. Graduate. 2. Live in the moment, not in the future. 3. Eat healthier. 4. Spread love. 5. Go to museums and galleries more often.
I am a positive motherfucker. I am also an asshole. I’m a little pretentious, but normally I’m sweet. I am patient sometimes. This year I’d like to work on strengthening my will power. Being able to say no without a heavy heart, whether it’s for favors or food. I will be nice to everyone, I will smile way more often, and I will be a lot friendlier.
I feel good. Things are looking good.